Where My Work Is Heading

On Rewriting, Rebuilding, and Turning Toward Mortality

For years now, I’ve been circling the same set of questions, questions that live somewhere between psychology, philosophy, the studio, and the darkroom. Why do humans deny death? What holds our meaning structures together? And why do artists seem to approach these tensions differently than everyone else, often with a kind of clarity that only comes from standing close to fear?

I’ve been asked why In the Shadow of Sun Mountain still isn’t published. The simple truth is that the book outgrew its original frame. I wrote it during a period when I was wrestling with ideas that didn’t yet have the right container. What I couldn’t see then, but can see now, is that the book was waiting for the structure of my doctoral work. It needed a broader foundation, and I needed more time to understand what I was actually trying to say.

So instead of releasing it in its earlier form, I’ve decided to rework it as part of my PhD. It will become the third manuscript in a three-part sequence I’m developing during the program.

The first manuscript will be an explanation of these theories—death anxiety, denial, worldview defense, and the evolutionary roots of awareness—in a way anyone can read and understand. Simple, accessible, and grounded. The working title is Glass Bones.

The second manuscript will be directed toward artists and toward creatives and will explore how they metabolize existential concerns in ways that differ from non-artists. It will look closely at creative practice as a pathway for meaning-making. The working title is Rupture.

And the third will be a rewritten In the Shadow of Sun Mountain, offered as a real-life example of an artist metabolizing these ideas through creative work, reflection, and lived experience.

All of this leads to the question that my dissertation will take up directly:

What actually happens inside an artist when they confront mortality in their creative practice?

To answer that, I’m turning toward arts-based research methodology. ABR is a natural fit for the work I’ve been doing for decades, because in ABR, the studio becomes the site of inquiry. The process becomes a way of knowing. Material becomes a kind of data. Instead of illustrating findings after the fact, the creative act generates them. It’s not about making art that explains theory; it’s about letting the art reveal what theory can’t access on its own.

So the dissertation will center on creating a completely new body of artwork, work made specifically for this research. Clay figures and/or objects suspended or collapsing under their own weight. Wet collodion images that feel like memory rising through fog and confusion. Paintings and photographs that follow the direction of the inquiry. I want the research to grow out of the process itself, out of the contact with clay, with silver, with pigment, with symbol, and with the ambiguous space where meaning forms.

Journal entry - October 2025.

At the same time, I’ll be studying how others respond to this work and what happens psychologically, symbolically, and emotionally when someone encounters artwork that doesn’t look away from mortality. Death denial shows up in recognizable ways: humor, defensiveness, projection, avoidance, and philosophical distancing. But sometimes something deeper appears: recognition, quiet, even a brief moment of meaning.

ABR gives me a structure to study all of this.

My own creative process.

The images that emerge.

The responses they evoke.

The symbolic patterns that repeat.

The ways meaning cracks open or closes down.

It lets me bring the studio, the psyche, and the research questions into one integrated space.

My hope is to create a body of work that matters both inside academia and beyond it. Art isn’t an accessory to life; it’s a method of survival. Artists metabolize things the culture doesn’t know how to hold directly. We take fear, grief, rupture, and turn them into form, into symbols that others can bear to look at. It isn’t therapy and it isn’t escape. It’s a form of existential transformation.

If I can articulate that process, what it feels like, what it reveals, and how it shapes both the maker and the viewer, then the work will have done something meaningful. It will help explain why creative practice is one of the most honest responses we have to our own mortality.

So that’s the direction I’m heading: a reworked Sun Mountain, a sequence of manuscripts that build the conceptual ground, a new exhibition, and a dissertation that uses arts-based research to study the artist’s encounter with mortality from the inside out. I’m building an integrated body of work, creative, philosophical, and experiential, that examines what it means to be mortal and how artists turn that reality into meaning.

More will unfold as the work begins to take shape.

Notes From the Studio: Staring at the Sun

I made a new tintype today (I made several, actually)—something small, simple, and unexpectedly revealing. It began as a response to reading Yalom’s Staring at the Sun. I sculpted a tiny figure and a rough, spiked “sun” and set them up in the studio to explore that familiar tension between awe, fear, and the search for meaning.

But once the plate dried, the image took on a different life. The “sun” started to resemble a virus, and the little figure looked like he was trying to negotiate with a force he couldn’t quite name. It shifted the whole feeling of the piece. It’s strange when a photograph teaches you something you didn’t intend, but that’s usually a sign you’re on the right track.

“Staring at the Sun—V.2,” Whole Plate Tintype—November 30, 2025 - Las Cruces, New Mexico

The chemistry added its own voice, too. I shot it wide open with an 1872 Dallmeyer 3B lens, using natural New Mexico light. Because the developer had no alcohol in it, the plate is full of sweeping, ghostlike marks, patterns that feel like turbulence or weather. Those imperfections have become one of the things I trust most about collodion. They reveal the atmosphere of the moment in a way nothing else can.

This little setup feels like the start of a new thread, a kind of still-life cosmology. Small figures, simple objects, big questions. I won’t say more yet, but I’m excited about where this can go.

I’ll keep at it and see what develops ;-)

A Salt Print From Another Life

I printed this 4x5 salt print today from a negative I made back in 2009, when I was living in Germany. Pulling an old plate like this into the present is always a strange experience. It’s like opening a time capsule you didn’t realize you buried. The negative was unvarnished—intentionally, because I wanted to see how far the elements had carried it over sixteen years. The result is this distressed, fractured surface that feels less like damage and more like memory asserting itself.

The subject is a simple setup: a cigar-box guitar propped on an old chair, a yarmulke (I got in Budapest) hanging beside it. At the time, I was thinking about the way ordinary objects can hold the weight of identity and belonging. Today, the print reads differently. The salt process softened everything, pulled it into an older register. The marks, flaws, and chemical bruises add a gravity the original plate didn’t have. It’s as if the print has aged along with me, and it’s finally showing its own scars.

Salt prints have a way of whispering rather than shouting. They blur the line (no pun) between what’s depicted and what’s remembered. This one carries the ghosts of two moments: who I was in 2009, exploring Europe with a camera and too many questions, and who I am now, printing in the desert, working at the intersection of creativity and mortality. These processes keep teaching me that nothing stays untouched—not glass plates, not bodies, not beliefs. Everything changes.

What I love most about this print is that it feels like a conversation between past and present versions of myself. A reminder that every piece of work we make continues living long after we think we’ve finished with it.

Impermanence and Insignificance: A Brief Note from the Void

I’ve been sitting with Escape from Evil again, and every time I revisit Becker’s later work, I feel the same jolt. He names the thing we spend our lives circling. Not death, exactly, but the quieter dread underneath it, the fear of slipping through this world without leaving so much as a fingerprint. Impermanence on one side. Insignificance on the other. It’s a tight little vise. And it’s psychologically terrifying.

Becker saw our terror clearly: we are symbolic creatures who can imagine infinity, yet we’re trapped in these fragile, temporary bodies that can vanish in a moment. The universe isn’t just big. It’s indifferent. And in that indifference, we feel an echo of our own smallness.

“The real fear isn’t the moment of dying. It’s the reckoning that follows: what does our ending reveal about how we lived?”

— Quinn Jacobson

Most of us respond by building what Becker called “immortality projects”—the long list of things we hope will grant us some kind of permanence (like what I’m doing right now). Careers. Families. Beliefs. A reputation. A legacy. Art. Even the small rituals of daily life can start to feel like talismans against oblivion. Becker never mocked these efforts. He understood their necessity. Without them, we’d drown in the sheer scale of our vulnerability.

For me, that tension shows up every time I work. Photography, especially the old processes I use, makes this dance impossible to ignore. A wet collodion plate holds everything and nothing at once. Light settles on silver and forms an image that can last centuries, yet the plate itself is so delicate you can wipe it clean with a rag or crack it between two fingers. It’s the same paradox Becker lived in: durability wrapped in impermanence.

And honestly, that’s why I keep returning to these ancient materials. They tell the truth gently. They remind me that nothing I make will rescue me from the limits of being human. But the making still matters. Maybe that’s the part Becker understood so well: our projects don’t need to defeat insignificance; they only need to give us a way to live with it.

Impermanence isn’t the enemy. Insignificance isn’t a verdict. They’re conditions. The water we swim in, if you will.

What we create—our art, our relationships, our gestures of care—won’t make us immortal. But they mark our brief time here with intention rather than avoidance. They let us stand, for a moment, in the truth of our smallness and still say: I was here. I noticed. I tried.

That might be enough.

A Coyote in the Desert, and What It Taught Me Today

I made a whole-plate ambrotype this morning of a coyote that died on my property. I actually found him/her a couple of weeks ago. The smell hit me before the sight did. That heavy sweetness that stops you in your tracks. I followed the breeze until I saw the body tucked into the scrub. I photographed it digitally that day and shared it on my blog because the moment stayed with me. Something about the way the desert had already begun its quiet work of reclaiming him/her.

Today felt like the right time to return with a glass plate.

Standing over him/her again, I could see how much had changed. The fur had loosened even more. The skull had become more visible. The boundary between animal and earth was almost gone. It felt right to honor that transition with a process that knows something about time. Collodion doesn’t tolerate distance. It makes you slow down. It makes you witness.

“This is the terror of death: to have emerged from nothing, to have a name, consciousness of self, deep inner feelings, an excruciating inner yearning for life and self-expression, and with all this yet to die.” - Ernest Becker, The Denial of Death

The plate holds that feeling. The shallow focus collapses the edges and pulls you to what is left of the face. The rest drifts into darkness. He/She is both here and not here. Present and dissolving. That tension sits right inside the questions I keep asking in my doctoral work. What does it mean to create in the presence of decay? How do we metabolize the truth that everything we love eventually falls apart? How does mortality shape the way artists see the world, sometimes long before we have language for it?

Finding him/her weeks ago was one thing. Photographing him/her in collodion felt like something else entirely. Digital is quick. It registers what is in front of you and lets you walk away. Collodion asks you to stay in the discomfort. To hold the smell of decay in your body long enough to make something honest from it. It asks for witness instead of reaction.

That is the heart of what I am researching. Death is not symbolic. It is physical. It has texture and smell and weight. And when we allow ourselves to stay present with it, even briefly, something shifts. We sense that the same cycle is waiting for us too. We sense the thinness of the line between our lives and everything dying around us.

Artists often walk toward that truth instead of away from it. Not for shock. Not for spectacle. But because the residue left behind is often where meaning begins. Facing a dead coyote on my land is not the same as losing someone I love, but the psyche doesn’t separate these encounters into clean categories. It only knows that life has ended. It knows that we are part of the same story.

I decided today that I will return to him/her each month and make another plate. Not to chase a morbid curiosity, but to witness the transformation all the way to bone. To let the process of decomposition teach me something about time and surrender. To let the land speak through the changes in the body. The final plate, when only bones remain, will carry a different kind of truth. I want to follow that arc all the way through.

When the image came up in the developer, the darkroom felt quiet in a way the desert rarely does. I felt that mix of sorrow and clarity Becker writes about. The strange ache of being a symbolic creature in a temporary body. We know we will die, yet we continue to make. We continue to reach for something that feels true.

This plate reminds me why my work matters. Not the plate alone, but the act of standing with what we usually avoid. My research is not about death as abstraction. It is about how we live with its reality. How we create meaning alongside the knowledge that nothing lasts.

The desert keeps teaching this lesson. Today it arrived through a coyote already turning back to dust.

Living Truthfully Inside Impermanence

Rupture is not simply a wound; it’s the generative moment when denial collapses and creation begins. It’s the place where death anxiety, cultural myth, and personal memory are transmuted into presence. Within rupture, the artist becomes a witness rather than a defender, turning from the fantasy of permanence toward the truth of impermanence. In that shift, art no longer seeks to outlive death; it becomes a form of living with it.

Otto Rank’s distinction between the artist and the neurotic illuminates this process. Both encounter rupture, the psychic shattering that comes when one’s symbolic world no longer holds, but only the artist metabolizes it. Where the neurotic internalizes and chokes on anxiety, the artist transforms it into form. The creative act becomes a means of surviving truth, of remaking coherence in the face of its undoing. Ernest Becker described culture as a shield against mortality; I see art as the moment that shield cracks. The fracture is not failure but revelation, an aperture where something honest can enter.

My work with wet collodion lives inside that aperture. The process itself enacts rupture: collodion, glass, silver, and time. Each plate holds the risk of loss. The collodion might peel, the image might fog, and the light might fail. Yet those failures become evidence of life. The surface bears the marks of both fragility and endurance, transparency and strength. Each plate is a negotiation between control and surrender, between the impulse to preserve and the inevitability of decay. To work in this way is to accept that every act of making is also an act of unmaking. I’m connecting deeply to these ideas and am excited to see where it takes me.

Between Presence and Absence

This new whole-plate wet collodion negative feels less like a photograph and more like a question: what does it mean to hold presence and impermanence in the same breath? The man, the bottle, and the rocks: are they material, or are they ghosts caught in the alchemy of silver and collodion? The glass doesn’t just capture an image; it captures the residue of time passing. What remains when the moment is gone? What does the plate remember that we forget?

Collodion always reminds me that everything we try to fix eventually fades. The process is slow and ritualistic; it forces me into a state of attention. Light becomes a witness, not just a means. This plate, like so many I make, isn’t about nostalgia; it’s about the impossibility of permanence. It’s about standing inside the paradox that Becker, Rank, and Yalom each described in their own way: to create in the face of death is both defiance and surrender.

In that sense, this image is elegiac. The man’s presence feels temporary, the bottle reflective, and the rocks ancient and indifferent. Together they form a kind of visual equation, human transience measured against geological time. The silver surface, with its imperfections and streaks, becomes a metaphor for the self: luminous, decaying, still reaching toward meaning.

The Coyote That Died on My Land

A couple of days ago, I caught a strong smell outside while working on a photograph. It was sharp, pungent, and unmistakable. Death has a particular odor that bypasses thought and goes straight to the gut. It made me queasy for a moment. Human death is worse; its scent lingers in your psyche as much as your senses, but this was still hard to shake.

I live on two acres, so it could’ve been anywhere. But the breeze was steady from the south, and the smell was heavy enough to trace. I didn’t walk a hundred feet before I saw it: a coyote, fully grown, laid out in the dirt as if sleep had taken it mid-motion. I hear them often at 4 a.m. Their calls ricocheting through the desert, a chorus of wild life that reminds me I’m not alone out here. They’re ghosts most of the time, heard but rarely seen.

My first instinct was to call animal control. But after thinking about it, I decided to leave the body where it was. Nature doesn’t need me to manage it. I’ll let it return to itself. When the flesh is gone and the bones are bare, I’ll bring them into my studio and make photographs.

For me, that act isn’t about morbidity; it’s about continuity. As Ernest Becker wrote, “All organisms are torn between the desire to live and the knowledge that they must die.” This coyote’s death is part of the same existential equation that drives art. Otto Rank saw art as the individual’s answer to mortality, a symbolic act of defiance, and an assertion that something of us can endure. Terror Management Theory later confirmed it empirically: the awareness of death propels us to create meaning, to build culture, and to leave traces that say we were here.

The coyote reminds me that no creature escapes this truth. Yet, there’s a strange grace in its stillness. The desert will do what it’s always done; it will metabolize the body, slowly, beautifully, until there’s only bone and dust. In that process, I see a mirror of the creative act: transformation through decay.

In time, I’ll photograph what remains—not as documentation of death, but as witness to the cycle that keeps everything alive.

Theory Note: Death, Art, and the Creative Instinct

Becker believed that culture, and by extension, art, is humanity’s way of managing the terror of mortality. We build symbolic worlds to convince ourselves that our lives matter, that something of us endures beyond the grave. Otto Rank expanded this idea, seeing the artist as a kind of “hero of creation,” transforming existential anxiety into symbolic immortality through the act of making. Terror Management Theory offers the scientific echo: when reminded of death, people turn to creativity, meaning, and worldview defense to restore equilibrium.

This coyote, in its silent return to the earth, embodies what Becker, Rank, and the TMT researchers all touch upon: the dance between decay and creation. In death’s presence, we’re reminded why we make anything at all.

Old Glass Insulators — Whole Plate, November 1, 2025

It’s so good to be back! It’s like riding a bicycle!

This is my first time making wet collodion images in New Mexican light. The air here feels different, drier, sharper, almost sentient in the way it bends light and shadow. The light is amazing. It’s “soft.” Much softer than the high UV light of the Colorado mountains.

The process felt both foreign and familiar. I missed the smell of ether, the sticky residue of collodion on my hands, and the small miracle of seeing the image appear in the developer. It’s not nostalgia; it’s recognition. The darkroom remains a place where time collapses.

The image I made today is of old glass insulators, remnants of a different kind of transmission. I found them half-buried in the desert dirt, relics of a vanished network that once carried voices and voltage across the American landscape. Some were shot through and fractured; one, improbably, remained whole. Its blue glass caught the morning light like a memory refusing to die.

The scene in digits.

I was drawn to these objects for their contradictions. They were built to endure, yet they shatter easily. They once conducted invisible currents, and now they are silent. They hold the history of connection and the inevitability of disconnection. Photographing them felt like standing between those two poles—between what holds and what breaks.

The glass, like the psyche, records every impact. The fractures become part of its character. In that way, the act of photographing them became a meditation on survival—how the self transmits meaning even after being cracked by experience. The blue insulator, intact among the ruins, felt like a metaphor for what remains transmissible in me: the impulse to create, to reach across distance, and to make contact through image and light.

Working with glass has always been more than a process; it’s a kind of ceremony. Each plate is a conversation with chemistry, a slow revelation of what wants to appear. Collodion teaches humility; silver sees everything. It reacts to the smallest impurity, just as the psyche reacts to what it resists. There’s a kind of grace in that sensitivity.

Holding the plate, watching the image emerge, I felt the familiar sense of presence that only this process offers. It’s not just about recording an object—it’s about witnessing transformation. The photograph becomes a transmission, a signal from matter to mind, from the visible to the invisible.

In the end, the plate is both image and mirror. It reflects what I brought into the room: a desire to reconnect with process, with light, and with myself. The broken insulators remind me that communication is never perfect, that art itself is a fragile conduit. But sometimes, even after the line is cut, the current finds its way through.

Whole Plate placeholder.

Some of my chemistry and supply shelves are up and full. I’m still making small changes and arrangements to my darkroom, but I really like it—very comfortable to work in and very spacious!

The Alchemy of Attention

This is the silver bath I filtered today. One liter of clean AgNO₃, ready for plates tomorrow. It’s the first time I’ve filtered and maintained silver (or any chemical in the process) since 2023. The move from the mountains of Colorado to the desert of southern New Mexico took time: more than just chronologically. It took time to root again, to find rhythm, and to remember why I started this work in the first place.

The PhD program has become my way back. It’s a return to the process that has always been the heart of my practice. Wet collodion will be central again, not just as a technique, but as a way of being present with the materials, the world, and myself.

Working with glass plates is an act of attention. The glass is both fragile and eternal; it records every trace of what passes over it. The collodion binds light to the surface for only a few minutes before it dries, so everything depends on presence. It asks you to show up completely. 100%

Filtering the silver feels ceremonial. It’s a quiet ritual of purification, of chemistry, but also of intent. Silver sees everything. It reacts to the smallest impurity, just as the psyche reacts to what we avoid. It’s easy to anthropomorphize AgNO₃. It has moods. It remembers. It rewards patience and punishes haste. Working with it becomes a kind of dialogue between matter and mind, between what’s visible and what’s hidden (until the sun shines on your hands).

In the end, every plate is a mirror of both chemistry and consciousness. Each pour, each exposure, and each development is a small transformation—matter becoming memory and light becoming meaning.

Tomorrow, I’ll pour my first plates in this new desert light. It feels like coming home to something ancient, something still alive, something that believes in the alchemy of attention.

* smily face *

The Body Shows Up When Theory Isn’t Enough

These new 18" x 18" mixed-media paintings came out of the same question that drives my self-directed study work and dissertation. I’m testing that question in paint, just like I test it on glass plates and in writing. Arts-Based Research is my lab. Each surface becomes a site where memory and the urge to mean something collide. It’s going to be a large part of those courses (photography, painting, and writing).

The first canvas, Black Polka Dots, is all ground and no figure, but the body is there in the residue—look close. A diagonal band cuts across the picture like a fault line or a cauterized wound. There’s a ghosted fragment of text trapped in the layers, a reminder that language gets buried in us. The dotted texture, the black polka dots, repeats along the seam like a rash or a code.

I’m learning that terror doesn’t always show up as a scream. Sometimes it’s a pattern that won’t leave the skin. Sometimes it’s that sickly yellow and cardboard that keeps insisting on itself. In the studio I scraped, pressed, and lifted paint until the surface held both abrasion and breath. That back-and-forth is the practice. Not catharsis. Contact. I think I get it.

“Black Polka Dots,” 18” x 18” acrylic and mixed media. October 28, 2025

“Black Polka Dots (Detail),” 18” x 18” acrylic and mixed media. October 28, 2025

The second canvas, Reaching, started as a field of rusted earth. I built a ground of modeling clay and pressed textures into the wet medium and let them dry into a relief map of small violences. After the ground had a history, the figure arrived. The head tilts toward the viewer, wrapped and abraded. It isn’t a skull, but almost. It’s a person caught mid-recognition. The black marks are time-sensitive and somewhat crude on purpose. The figure is painted on vellum paper; I wanted to see if the wrinkles would stay in the figure, and I wanted the line to feel like a pulse, not a performance.

This is the “through line of rupture” I keep mapping in my research. We live with breaks we can’t fully mend, yet we still reach. Making the figure small in a vast, scarred field turns the old heroic picture on its head. The hero here isn’t conquering anything. He’s staying. He’s looking back.

“Reaching,” 18” x 18” acrylic and mixed media. October 28, 2025

“Reaching (Figure Detail),” 18” x 18” acrylic and mixed media. October 28, 2025

“Reaching (Detail),” 18” x 18” acrylic and mixed media. October 28, 2025

My dissertation asks how creative practice metabolizes death anxiety differently than everyday avoidance. These canvases are thin slices of that metabolism. They show what happens when I keep the question in the room and let materials push back. The paintings aren’t illustrations of theory. They’re tests. They either hold the charge or they don’t.

Reaching maps the moment before denial hardens. Black Polka Dots lingers in the afterimage when language slips. Together they sketch a small ethics: stay with the rupture, don’t varnish over it too quickly, and find forms that let others breathe near it.

I’m not even sure if they are finished. It doesn’t really matter if they are or not, but I may be pulled back into them at some point.

That’s the practice I’m building in my first self-directed study, and I hope to carry it over to the second self-directed study. Not to defeat fear, but to turn it into material that can hold a little meaning. If we can bear to look, we can choose how to live inside that knowledge. And maybe, if we’re lucky, we can make something honest from it.